I’m So Mad I Could Just Spit!

Posted in Uncategorized by 5thstate on September 26, 2009

This guy is old enough to drive, to have a job, to join the military, to reproduce and to vote, and he thinks that the President needs to be impeached for supposedly planning to  violate his right to whiskey-flavored gum disease and jaw-cancer.

Sarah Palin’s Chinese Take-Away

Posted in Uncategorized by 5thstate on September 25, 2009

palintrash2004Sarah Palin explained that closing her Hong Kong CLSA investor conference speech to the media would allow her to say things she otherwise wouldn’t be able to say, apparently believing that it is the presence of reporters that magically forces her to ramble incoherently, lie, fabricate and say some of the stupidest shit ever recorded since the invention of writing.

How tragic that the only way she could prove to the “makin’-stuff-up”-media (and thus the world) that her uncontrollable semantic spasticity and demotic diarrhea was their fault, would be to prevent them from witnessing what would undoubtedly be oratory of Kennedy-esque caliber and arguments of Platonic precision in her discussion of governance, economics and US/Asian affairs.

But luckily investors have no such Kryptonite-like affect on Sarah’s super-powers of speech so it was possible for one of them to record the majesty of her speech so that the world could finally experience the twelve-course gold-service oratorical banquet cooked to perfection that she knew she was capable-of, instead of the usual buffet-style shit sandwich with a word-salad and crystal-meth for dessert she was always forced to whip-up whenever the press dropped by unexpectedly.

So if you will take your places at the table and pay attention to the Master of Ceremonies for a moment, we can then tuck right-in.


Sarah Palin was just a stay-at-home-and-get-paid-for-it Governor of Alaska when in late 2008 Republican Presidential Nominee and Vietnam War torture victim John McCain submitted to movement conservative pressure and announced her as his Vice Presidential running mate strictly on her intellectual and administrative merits and totally not because the Democrats had Barack Obama winning the youth vote and Hillary Clinton winning the feminine vote even across party lines.

America was looking for change and not just amongst the sofa cushions in their soon-to-be-foreclosed-on houses or on off-ramps in exchange for washing windshields. Sarah exemplified real change, change that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton couldn’t possibly compete-with, a change from politics as usual.

Instead of the usual book-learned Ivy-League qualified candidate of the past, Sarah derived her wisdom from ordinary real-life experiences such as shooting wolves from helicopters and fridge-magnet mottoes. She had the ability to ask the kind of piercing questions usually attributed in admiration and wonder to children, like “What does a Vice President actually do?”, and yet she had also had the intellectual agility to connect seemingly unrelated concepts and topics with the word “also”, also.

Some people (about 60 million) questioned her credentials, particularly her international experience, but as she can tell you herself she is no stranger to other lands and cultures, having met an ambassador, having traveled to Texas and the European state of Maine, and in being married to Todd, a 1/8th Inuit whose connections with Asia might be 12,000 years old. So without further ado, I give you “unplugged” and in her own words, Sarah Palin—bon-appetit! (And try the comments too, they’re fresh!)

(Applause, refilling of beverage glasses, hautboys sound in the distance and a hush falls over the expectant throng).

[The following quotes attributed to Palin in Hong Kong are verbatim from partial transcriptions made by Wall Street Journal reporters from a CLSA recording of the event so bear in mind these more like amuse-bouche and surf–and-turf samplers and not the entire 75-minute smorgasbord. Links at the end ].

Alaska and Hong Kong; Separated at Birth?

“We have a special place in our hearts in Alaska for the Pacific Rim… Personally, I’ve always been really interested in the ideas, too, about the land bridge; ideas that maybe so long ago, had allowed Alaska to be physically connected to this part of our world so many years ago.”

Indeed, all Alaskans ever seem to talk about is the Pacific Rim. Just watch any episode of Deadliest Catch or Ice Road Truckers and you’ll know it is true—they just can’t shut-up about it!

Of course the “ideas” that a land-bridge once existed between Alaska and Hong Kong is/are so much more-interesting than the fact that a relatively temperate land-bridge existed between the Seward and Chukotka peninsulas between 16,000 and 12,000 years ago because that would predate Creation and Adam and Eve riding around on dinosaurs—but that’s only if you believe in science, but hey it’s kind of fun to pretend isn’t it?

“So for Alaska, which is the air crossroads of the world, to this prosperous dynamic force in the world, Hong Kong, I bring good tidings, wishes for more blessing and vibrant life and even more freedom.”

Because what would be more encouraging to a developing 5,000 year-old nation that invented gunpowder, printing and the compass and that possess 1/6th of planet’s total population than greetings and blessings from a 142 year-old flyover-state most recently run into massive debt by an ex-pageant queen hockey-mom?

The Superiority of Conservatism and how it affects the Price of Tea in China:

“Now I know that many of you, maybe you’re hoping to hear me discuss the derivations of the formula for effective rate of protection, followed by a brief discussion of the monetary approach to the balance of payments. If time allows, a quick summary of factor price equalization. Maybe some thoughts on quantitative easing, but that’s for next time—because I have spent my life closer to Main Street. That’s what I want to talk about is that view from Main Street.”

Because this conference is supposed to be all about international finance and transnational fiscal policy, right? Wrong! That was just a tease! You’ll all just have to charge another $5.99 on your credit card to hear her talk about dirty filthy money to you. In the meantime she’ll just string you along with suggestive stories about Wasilla and such until you pony up the requisite moolah! Until you do, this isn’t going to be about you, or Asia, it’s going to be about her, and America, which is actually the same thing!

“I’m going to call it like I see it and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street U.S.A., and how perhaps my view of Main Street … how that affects you and your business.”

And she’ll begin by not talking about what she just said she was going to talk about.

“You can call me a common-sense conservative. My approach to the issues facing my country and the world, issues that we’ll discuss today, are rooted in this common-sense conservatism…”

If you DON’T call her a “common-sense conservative” she WILL fuck you UP! Okay?! Okay!! Where was she? Oh yeah, ‘the issues facing my country and the world are rooted in this common-sense conservatism…’ –wait a second, that sounds like common-sense conservatism is the problem, not the solution!

“Common sense conservatism deals with the reality of the world as it is; complicated and beautiful, tragic and hopeful. We believe in the rights and the responsibilities and the inherent dignity of the individual.”

As long as the individual isn’t brown or foreign in any way and of course we all know liberals are irresponsible and therefore don’t deserve any rights—except to burn in hell of course!

The Futility of Governance and the Pointlessness of improving the Human Condition

“We don’t believe that human nature is perfectible; …we’re suspicious of government efforts to fix problems because often what it’s trying to fix is human nature, and that is impossible. It is what it is. But that doesn’t mean that we’re resigned to, well, any negative destiny. Not at all; I believe in striving for the ideal, but in realistic confines of human nature.”

That’s why she wanted to become the Vice President in the US government, because she was suspicious of its problem fixing capabilities. Besides, like the saying goes ‘If it’s broke, don’t fix it’.

“The opposite of a common-sense conservative is a liberalism that holds that there is no human problem that government can’t fix if only the right people are put in charge. Unfortunately, history and common sense are not on its side.”

For example slavery wasn’t a problem until government interference made it a problem! It’s only stupid liberals who think racism should be eliminated, but common sense conservatives are proving every day that trying to eliminate racism is a complete waste of time.

“We don’t trust utopian promises; we deal with human nature as it is.”

Like she said, you can’t improve on imperfection, it’s pointless to try. But like she also said that doesn’t mean conservatives are resigned to any negative destiny—for them of course. Oh no, their plans for themselves have never been negative.

Reagan Lives!

“While we might be in the wilderness, conservatives need to defend the free market system and explain what really caused last year’s collapse. According to one version of the story, America’s economic woes were caused by a lack of government intervention and regulation and therefore the only way to fix the problem, because, of course, every problem can be fixed by a politician, is for more bureaucracy to impose itself further, deeper, forcing itself deeper into the private sector.”

Politicians can’t do anything right! And Sarah should know, just look how John McCain screwed up her chance to be the second highest ranking politician in the land.

“I think that’s simply wrong. We got into this mess because of government interference in the first place!. The mortgage crisis that led to the collapse of the financial market, it was rooted in a good-natured, but wrongheaded, desire to increase home ownership among those who couldn’t yet afford to own a home. In so many cases, politicians on the right and the left, they wanted to take credit for an increase in home ownership among those with lower incomes. But the rules of the marketplace are not adaptable to the mere whims of politicians.”

Yeah, remember that loony ‘lefty’ who kept talking about “the ownership society” and how his tax cuts were making everyone rich enough to achieve the American Dream of owning their own home? What ever happened to that guy?

“Lack of government wasn’t the problem. Government policies were the problem. The marketplace didn’t fail. It became exactly as common sense would expect it to. The government ordered the loosening of lending standards. The Federal Reserve kept interest rates low. The government forced lending institutions to give loans to people who, as I say, couldn’t afford them. Speculators spotted new investment vehicles, jumped on board and rating agencies underestimated risks.”

That’s right! Do you remember those awful photos of investment bankers being forced to sell mortgages at gunpoint? I had some saved on my hard drive that I could show you, except that I had to sell my computer so I could buy this tent that I’m living-in. And remember that report that was supposed to be published that would have told speculators how risky the credit default swaps the government forced the banks to create were? Obama still won’t release that report, just like he refuses to release his Kenyan birth certificate!

Chicago Politics Bad! Chicago School of  Economics, Good!

“Now even Milton Friedman, he recognized that the free market is truly free when there is a level playing field for all participants, and good financial regulations aim to provide the transparency that we need to ensure the level playing field does exist, but we need not, we need to make sure that this regulatory reform that we’re talking about is aimed at the problems on Wall Street and won’t attack Main Street.”

Yes, even Milton Friedman who invented the “free market” theory of minimal government intervention in financial markets eventually realized that minimal government intervention in financial markets was key to his “free market” theory, which he just happened to have invented in the first place and which he’d espoused his whole life. But even so, it’s important the regulatory reform doesn’t attack Main Street because it would interfere with Sarah’s view of Russia so if government won’t stop interfering for Sarah’s sake at least it could stop interfering for poor old dead Uncle Milty’s sake!

A Hole

“Common sense tells you that when you’re in a hole, you have to stop digging! A common sense conservative looks to history to find solutions to the problems confronting us, and the good news is that history has shown us a way out of this, a way forward from recession. Ronald Reagan, he was faced with an even worse recession, and he showed us how to get out of here.”

That’s right! Just stop digging! And then you wait for rain so when the hole fills up with water you can float your way out of the hole; and as every common sense conservative knows Ronald Reagan got the US out if its recession driving down wages and spending borrowed money on Star Wars. And he defeated Iran by making them dependent on US missile technology and even tore down the Berlin Wall with his bare teeth!

How Asian investors should control the US Economy

“If you want real job growth, you cut taxes! And you reduce marginal tax rates on all Americans. Cut payroll taxes, eliminate capital gain taxes and slay the death tax, once and for all.”

Of course! That’s how we got into this mess! CEO’S were taxed so heavily that they couldn’t afford to fly commercial and get all those flyer miles—they had to use their own jets instead, which the companies never reimbursed them for because their record profits weren’t as record-profit-y as they could have been!

“Get federal spending under control, and then you step back and you watch the U.S. economy roar back to life. But it takes more courage for a politician to step back and let the free market correct itself than it does to push through panicky solutions or quick fixes…”

For example if you find your self suddenly unemployed you don’t just keep spending your money on electricity and the phone and food! You get that spending under control and then you watch your personal economy roar back to life. And you don’t panic and start looking for another job; you just step back and let the free market decide when you’re worth hiring again.

“I can’t wait until we get that Reaganomics sense supplied again because we are going to survive, and we’re going to thrive and expand and roar back to life. And as the world sees this, the world will be a healthier, more secure, safer and more prosperous place when this happens”

Because nothing cures an Anti-America jihadist’s kidney problems or makes him less likely to attack the financial center of the world than when he sees the US making crap-loads of money!

Death Panels for Cutie

“I seem to have acquired notoriety in national debate. And all because of two words: death panels. And it is a serious term. It was intended to sound a warning about the rationing that is sure to follow if big government tries to simultaneously increase health care coverage while also claiming to decrease costs. Government has just got to be honest with the people about this.”

Yeah, If only the government would just admit it plans to kill old people and veterans then the American public will appreciate the honesty. America forgave Reagan for selling missiles to Iran and using the profits to fund death squads in Nicaragua that ended up killing some American nuns, because Reagan was honest about completely forgetting he did all that.

“Common sense also tells us that passing a trillion dollar new retirement program, that’s not the way to reduce health-care spending.”

Umm, what?

“Real health-care reform is market oriented, patient centered and result driven.”

Also kid-tested and mom-approved; and if the patient doesn’t produce results then let the free-market decide his or her fate—NOT socialist death panels!

“It would give all individuals the same tax benefit, that an ideal plan that I would have in mind, same tax benefits as those who get coverage through their employers. And give Medicare recipients vouchers so that they can buy their own coverage. And reform tort laws and change regulations to allow people to buy insurance across state lines. Rather than another top down government plan, we should give Americans themselves control over their own health care with market friendly responsible ideas.”

Be responsible: Take control over your own health care by asking your doctor if your needed brain surgery is market-friendly before you try it.

Speaking of health, I’m going to stop it right there before I have an aneurysm.

As far as I can tell Palin spent most of her time delivering all the old talking points she used during her losing 2008 campaign, and then spent her last ten minutes being critical and condescending about the host country as though she were an official representative of the US government—instead of being the unemployed shit-for-brains self-absorbed right-wing welfare queen that she is.