Posted in Uncategorized by 5thstate on March 9, 2012

As a newly indoctrinated Critter ™ it is incumbent upon me toregularly contribute to the general welfare of this blog with incisive articles of topical interest in order to elicit appropriate self-satisfying tantrums of outrage from the hippie leftist Saul Alinsky-worshipping George Soros funded Islamo-fascist Obamanauts that cruise this site for cheap thrills at the mocking expense of Christmas and the job-creating military industrial complex/Koch Brothers/ Fox News.

However, Obama’s secret FEMA-Camps for Conservatives/Death Panel agenda is preventing me from exercising my something-Amendnment rights and entrepreneurship due to job-killing over-regulation and K-through 12 indoctrination, so…. I’ve decided to post this never before seen on the Intertubes …um… post…that has been kept secret form the world for at least five years, but which I wrote originally five years ago, which is as relevant today as when I didn’t post it five years ago because because I forgot to do so, or something—but it;s just as relevant today as whenever it was what it was when it was wrote and such, ;ole 5 years ago I think….:

Helsinki, Finland

In a move that further undermines the goals of the Kyoto Accord of 1997, an agreement was signed today calling for an increase (rather than a decrease) in the production of greenhouse gases that are believed to be a major cause of global warming.

Dubbed “The North Pole Beach-Party Agreement” (NOPOBEPA), it was signed by constantly ice- and snow-bound Greenland, Iceland, Finland, Sweden, Norway, Nepal, Bhutan and Siberia.

Like the Kyoto group, we accept that global warming is indeed a byproduct of industrialization and that it is real”, announced the chairman of the NOPOBEPA, Dr. Skag Skommerveldingsmeldingsen, “but the conclusion that this is somehow a bad thing is erroneous”

 “By signing this agreement”, Dr. Skommerveldingsmeldingsen continued, “the member nations have committed to building factories dedicated to producing the finest greenhouse gases in the world, with the goal of raising temperatures above the 52nd Parallel an average of twenty degrees by 2016. The building of these factories will provide both short-term construction jobs and long-term employment for their maintenance and management. The higher temperatures will encourage the growth of tourism, the manufacture of deck chairs and air conditioners, and will stimulate the cabana-boy industry —parts of our respective economies that have languished behind other nations for far too long”.

Reaction to the agreement has been mixed.

Inuit scientists such as Nanook Whaleblubber, Professor of Interminable Freezing White Wilderness Studies at the University of Thatigloonearthepolarbear have applauded the agreement:

“We have 23 different words for snow”, said Professor Nanook. “Twenty-three, for snow, for fuck’s sake! Whose idea was it to stay all the way up here, is what I want to know! Wise elders? A bunch of fucking Idiotarods, if you ask me! You know what our culture has contributed to the human race? Uggs, the kayak, and clubbing baby seals! That’s it! That’s all! What idiot in our tribal past looked around at this vast white wasteland and said “hey, this is great spot! Let’s camp here, it’s so peaceful and close to nature!? Fucking  retards! Enough of this sub-zero shit!” “

But others in the scientific community have taken a dimmer view.

Professor Toyota Panasonic of the Hokkaido Institute of Giant Mutated Antisocial Lizard Studies and co-author of the Kyoto Accord was the first to condemn the NOPOBEPA in a carefully translated press release.

Who dares this insolence? Can you not see the necessity of incredulous? The intervention of the two parts will bring luck to the unfortunate! Mothra is ruining my rice harvest! Exploding bandicoots exacerbate the cherry blossom’s demise! Is this dishonor most excellent?” 

“Professor Panasonic is simply stating tired conventional wisdom”, responded Dr. Skommerveldingsmeldingsen:

The idea that equatorial regions with already high temperatures will be turned into vast barren deserts incapable of supporting life is clearly utterly incorrect, as Professor Panasonic is relying solely on data from Tamagochi studies and a statically flawed survey of Japanese schoolgirl tentacle –sex Pr0n.

As temperatures rise, the ice caps will melt. The overall rise in sea level will then flood and irrigate the hot and dry regions of Africa and the Middle East allowing plant and animal life to flourish in those areas as never before . relieving the local inhabitants of the constant irritation from sand in their underwear. Water-polo, jet-skiing and MTV Spring Break parties will suddenly be accessible to the most impoverished peoples.”

 The Kyoto group has it all wrong, they just haven’t thought this global warming thing through” Dr. Skommerveldingsmeldingsen concluded. “Everyone should have their chance of a place in the sun, and this is ours”.